The Snake Pit of Little Chucky's Mind
by dogbertcarroll
Summary: Why bother inserting yourself when you can insert someone else into your story to screw with?
1. Chapter 1

**The Snake Pit of Little Chucky's Mind - AKA: Typist Insert**

**Disclaimer: I do not own HP or the guy who types up all my fics… yet!**

"Finish a story before I banish you!" The voice thundered waking Charles from his nap.

"Who? Huh?" Charles muttered as he blinked sleep from his eyes and glanced around. "Strange dream." It only took five minutes of staring at the bank of monitors showing empty stores before Charles pulled out pen and paper to start writing; the only people around were a couple of other security guards which made third shift a breeze as long as you could stay awake.

Taking the cap off his Precise V5 rolling point pen he wondered what to write; he had a stack of partially written fics over a foot high at home that he hadn't even typed in yet. Not being able to bring a laptop or go online and read his own in-progress fics and figure out how to continue them he decided to start another new fic to keep himself entertained.

The sound of thunder rolled ominously outside and he glanced out the window but the skies were clear. Shrugging he went back to watching the monitors while considering the possibilities.

Tiny flicks of light gathered behind him as a veritable legion of muses began to form.

"Buffy loses her Slayer abilities but refuses to give up the fight, learning what it's like to face the dark as a normal human..." Charles said thoughtfully, "Nah, I can't see that happening; early Buffy wanted some sort of mythical 'normal' life and always hated being the Slayer. That story would end up with Kendra and her Watcher sent to Sunnydale to take Buffy and Giles' place while Buffy dukes it out socially with Cordelia for queenship. It'd be nothing more than high school melodrama with vamps in the background."

A speck of light floated off dejectedly.

"Dawn and Xander fall in love and have sex as in canon but a joking wish from Dawn that she wished they'd been doing this since they first met sends the two back in time to the first time they met when she was 11 and he was 15... Has some promise but you'd have to deal with all the people who think hormones aren't issued until you turn 18 and you'd alienate all the easily squicked readers. Much too kinky for mainstream in other words."

Another speck of light flew off, making notes on possible revisions.

"Dave and Mindy gain the memories of Xander and Dawn from the Buffy Halloween episode. Dave ends up with the Primal in residence and Mindy discovers the ability to open portals," Charles mused with a chuckle. "That would be amusing; Mindy's response would be to hunt down and kick Dawn's ass, Buffy would get involved but the skill level of Hit Girl that both girls would have means her getting her ass handed to her. Dave would come with her of course and that would lead to Dave and Xander trying to keep the two apart."

The section of the cloud of sprites working on Kick Ass and Buffy and the Vampire Slayer fanfiction rippled happily; more interest in their area meant more work for them.

"If we set it early in Kick Ass we could save Big Daddy which would make Mindy more reasonable." He muttered thoughtfully as he brought his pen down on the paper …

There was a flash of light and Charles was gone, his pen making a line on the blank sheet of paper as it fell.

0oOo0

Charles clutched his head as he fell to his knees, feeling as if someone had taken an axe to his skull in order to perform a little trepanning.

Some fat kid clutched his arm blubbering and two skeletal forms approached clad in tattered black robes. Pushing the fat kid behind him Charles stepped forward and kicked it in the groin as hard as he could.

If it was possible for a skull to show surprise and pain it certainly did so as it fell to the ground and curled up in the fetal position.

The other creature stared in shock, never having seen anything like this before. Unfortunately for it that gave Charles more than enough time to repeat the procedure on it with just as satisfactory results.

"H-Harry?" The fat kid stuttered out and Charles realized that he was Harry Potter in the same way that War and Peace was a joke book if you added a chapter of jokes to the end. Still he might as well start thinking of himself as Harry or things could get ... confusing. "What are those things?" Dudley asked, recovering now that they weren't projecting their aura of fear and despair.

"Dementors," Harry replied, kicking one in the head when it looked like it might get up. "I've got it under control, you're safe now."

"You could have left me and saved yourself."

"No I couldn't. Besides, once you get past the whole mind numbing fear bit they aren't that tough."

"Harry!"

Harry turned and found Mrs. Figg hurrying out to them before she saw the dementors and froze in shock.

"Afternoon Mrs. Figg," Harry said politely.

"Dumbledore is sending some people to help … what did you do to them?"

Harry glared at the two dementors who looked to be recovering, "Stay down!" He hissed.

With dual cracks a pink haired witch and a bald black wizard arrived.

"Alright … what the hell?" The pink haired woman screeched.

"Auror Shacklebolt," the large black man introduced himself. "Can you tell me what happened?"

"Sure," Harry nodded, "these two creatures attacked us; I fought back and now they're ready to be taken into custody."

"Tonks," the pink haired woman introduced herself. "You must have one hell of a patronus."

"I do," Harry said agreeably, not bothering to explain what had happened.

"If they're dementors, why don't I feel anything?" Tonks asked.

"Because that mind numbing fear crap pissed me off," Harry replied.

"I guess I can take Harry to the safe house while you take the dementors into custody," Tonks said quickly.

"I got early parole?" Harry said excitedly. "Excellent!"

"Parole?" Tonks asked.

"Yeah, as far as I'm concerned the Dursley's house is nothing more than another prison."

"But it's your home!" Tonks protested.

"Being starved, beaten and locked up has never appealed to me." Harry replied.

"What? But Dumbledore would never-" She began.

"He's either evil or incompetent," Harry replied. "There's no third choice; at any rate let's go get my stuff from my cell and go."

"Cell?" Tonks said worriedly as she followed him.

"Some of my things are in my cell upstairs; it should be unlocked. All my Hogwarts supplies including my trunk are locked in my old cell downstairs and you'll need a good unlocking charm for that." Harry explained as he opened the front door.

Dudley followed meekly behind. "Boy! What're – who're you?" Vernon demanded as they entered.

"Auror Tonks." She introduced herself, holding up a badge.

"What's the boy done now?" Vernon demanded.

"Nothing, he's being taken into protective custody," she replied. "You probably won't get to see him again until next year."

"Bye." Vernon snorted before bringing his paper back up and ignoring them.

Tonks followed Harry upstairs where he collected his things as she took in the room. "The way you talked I expected bars on the windows," Tonks choked, "and look they even have a pet door so your cat can come in and out."

"The twins ripped the bars off when they rescued me." Harry said, "I believe they're still in the Weasley's shed if you want to see them. I don't own a cat; the Dursley's don't like them for some reason. That flap is so they can pass food in and my wastebasket out without having to see me."

Harry gathered his things quickly; shoving them into an old beat up backpack with a broken zipper before leading Tonks downstairs to the cupboard for his school supplies.

"This was my cell for the first eleven years," Harry said conversationally, "I only got an actual room because my first Hogwarts letter was addressed to the cupboard under the stairs."

"And no one ever noticed or reported them?" Tonks snarled angrily.

"Exactly, no one noticed or said anything about how they treat me; it's almost like magic." Harry said bitterly as he drug his trunk outside. "Okay, now what?"

"Portkey," Tonks replied holding out a sock. "Grab hold and we're gone."

0oOo0

Harry landed flat on his back with Tonks sitting on his head; all in all he had to say it was one of his more successful portkey trips.

"Sorry!" Tonks apologized as she scrambled to her feet.

"Don't apologize, just wear a skirt next time you do that." Harry replied absently before he was tackle hugged by Sirius.

"Harry!" Sirius exclaimed.

"Filthy mudbloods!" Came the screeching of the painting of Sirius' mum.

"Shut up you old crone!" Sirius yelled back.

Harry followed the noise to its source, ignoring the ranting of the crazed painting. "There some reason you haven't torn it down yet?"

"Stuck up there with a permanent sticking charm." Sirius said, speaking loudly to be heard over the painting.

"Have you tried tearing out the section of wall its attached to?"

The painting fell silent as Sirius' grin threatened to cut his face in half. Summoning a hammer he quickly went to work at tearing away the wall while the painting ranted and raved. He paused briefly to silence the painting before getting back to work.

The was a loud crack and a small greenish brown figure that looked like Gollum's inbred cousin appeared and jumped on Sirius' leg biting and scratching at him.

Harry burst out laughing while Sirius kept trying to hit the tiny figure and only managed to hit himself.

At some point Tonks had stopped blushing and gotten over her embarrassment because a stunner slammed into Sirius' crotch just missing the elf attached to his leg and dropping him to the ground on top of it.

"Oops," Tonks muttered as the elf popped away. "Enervate," she muttered, waking Sirius the sound lost in Harry's laughter.

"What happened and why do my balls hurt?" Sirius asked groggily.

"A pissed off house elf and a badly aimed stunner," Harry replied. "Let's pick a room for the painting and have the house elf move it there."

"I was going to burn it," Sirius said, shaking off the aftereffects of the stunner.

"It'll be easier on all of us if you let him move it rather than destroy it, trust me."

"As long as I don't have to see or hear her again," Sirius agreed. "Kreacher!"

With a pop the house elf appeared again, "What does bad master want now?"

"Can you move the painting to her bedroom and seal the door shut so nothing can harm it?" Harry asked.

"Bad master will let Kreacher protect mistress?" Kreacher asked suspiciously.

"As long as I can't see or hear her," Sirius said agreeably. With a pop both elf and painting vanished.

"That was brilliant Harry! Want a house elf? Come to think of it, want a house?"

"More than anything!" Harry swore, "I hate being homeless."

"I thought you lived with the Dursley's?" Sirius asked.

"I'm enslaved by the Dursley's there's a big difference." Harry said, his former self may have shied away from reporting when people abused him but Charles had no such qualms.

"I …" Sirius stuttered trying to find the words.

"Don't worry about it Padfoot; I'm out of there now so give me this place and an elf and I'll call it home."

"It's yours pup," Sirius swore, giving him another hug.

Harry felt a little light headed as Sirius released him. As if a great weight had been lifted off his shoulders and he realized he could feel the house around him.

"You've never had it easy have you?" Sirius asked.

"Voldemort may have killed my parents but its Dumbledore that's been the author of my misery," Harry snorted.

Having read through the entire series and joined in hundreds of threads Charles had become convinced that Dumbledore was the true villain of the piece planning on preserving the wizarding world by sacrificing almost an entire generation of muggleborn to perpetuate the cycle and using Harry to prove to himself that he hadn't created Voldemort by ensuring Harry had a similar childhood to see how he turned out.

"He means well but some of his decisions have turned out badly," Sirius admitted.

"Some?" Harry laughed bitterly. "Try all of them and I'm pretty sure they turned out exactly like he wanted them to."

"Maybe we ought to discuss this in private."

"Sure," Harry agreed readily, "come on Tonks let's talk about this where we won't be overheard and you can tell me if Dumbledore is doing evil in the name of good or I'm insane."

"You're kidding right?" Tonks asked as she followed them upstairs.

"He's the serious one, I'm just the comedic relief." Harry replied as he started making plans on how he wanted the series to end since he was playing the role of Harry this time around.

He was pretty sure he could pull off a better ending than canon, hell he was pretty sure Dobby could have.

**Author's Note: Why does Charles adjust so easily? He has all of Harry's memories and fanfic authors aren't too attached to reality anyway. The idea behind this is that I would make a boring SI, but I think my typist Godogma would be a lot more entertaining to tortur- err insert into a fic!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chucky's Mind Part Two**

Harry sprawled out on Sirius' bed while Sirius started casting spells to be sure they weren't overheard. Harry could actually feel the spells being cast as he closed his eyes and felt his connection to the house via the wards.

***Pop!* **

"What does bad … new master?" Kreacher asked confused.

"Do you still have the locket Regulus gave you to destroy?" Harry asked.

"How?" The house elf was speechless.

"Doesn't matter; Regulus turned on Voldemort in the end and was killed for it with his dying breath he entrusted a piece of Voldemort's soul contained in a locket to Kreacher with instructions to destroy it. Sadly Kreacher isn't powerful enough but I know the secret of destroying them. Fiendfyre and basilisk venom are both effective." Harry explained.

Kreacher's eyes looked about ready to pop out of his skull as did Tonks' and Sirius'.

"Of course there is a far simpler way; Kreacher do you know where the Veil of Death is in the Ministry?" \

Kreacher tilted his head to the side and eyed Harry like he was a dangerous animal before nodding carefully. "Kreacher has seen dead portal once while on errand for master."

"If you throw the locket through the Veil its bye bye Voldie fragment just like Regulus wanted."

"Kreacher has been ordered not to leave house."

"I give you permission to sneak into the Ministry and dispose of the locket tonight when the place is closed," Harry said. "You are to return immediately, understand?"

"Who are you?" Sirius demanded.

"Still Harry," Harry replied while shaking his head. "Just with a whole lot more knowledge stuffed in my head from a previous life. Let's wait an hour so you can see I'm not on polyjuice."

"You could be a metamorphmagus," Tonks pointed out.

"Well I haven't needed a haircut since my hair grew back overnight since Petunia gave me a horrible haircut, but I don't know if that counts."

"Tell me something that only Harry would know!" Sirius demanded.

"Well if only I knew it, you wouldn't, so how would you know if I was lying?"

Sirius blinked and worked that out in his head. "I mean tell me something that only me and Harry would know!"

"Everything I know and you know, Hermione and Ron know as well," Harry pointed out. "Besides since I was picked up from the Dursley's if I'm not me then I'd have picked my brain already in case you asked that with either veritaserum or legilimency."

"Well … fuck." Sirius said putting away his wand.

"You could try giving me veritaserum, but if I was some sort of metamorph super spy I would have already have taken an antidote or used some sort of mind arts to make myself believe I was Harry Potter."

"What do you mean about having a lot of memories stuffed in your head?" Tonks asked.

"A past life hit me full force when the dementors tried to suck out my soul," Harry replied. "I remember everything; including a bunch of stuff learned from a Seer about what's been happening in my life."

"Are you sure you didn't just hit your head really hard?" Sirius begged.

"No, but that might make it easier to understand this ass backwards magic world where Dumbledore plots to sacrifice an entire generation of muggleborn to preserve pureblood society."

"He wouldn't do that!" Tonks exclaimed.

"Really? Muggleborn pop up out of nowhere and will continue to do so according to him, while there is a limited number of purebloods – so who do you sacrifice if you want to preserve the magical world?"

Sirius winced and Tonks paled so much even her hair turned white.

"If he was really against the pureblood agenda he'd have arranged the deaths of all the Death Eaters who got away with their crimes; not let them live free. I wonder how many people they've raped, tortured and murdered while free? Well, since it was no doubt muggles and muggleborn I doubt he cares."

"How many muggleborn disappear or have accidents?" Sirius asked Tonks.

"A lot go back to the muggle world and accidental magic can be quite dangerous."

"Change 'go back to the muggle world' to 'killed by purebloods' and 'accidental magic' to 'carefully cast spells' and you'll have said something truthful rather than Ministry propaganda," Harry replied.

A series of spells hit the door in rapid succession.

Harry looked over. "Looks like we're about to have company." The door opened and a red faced Bill Weasley came in followed by Molly and Hermione.

"Harry are you okay?" Molly and Hermione demanded in unison and at that instant Harry realized why Ron had fallen for Hermione.

"Do you mind?" Harry asked, annoyed. "We were having a private discussion about personal matters."

Molly winced. "Sorry about that dear, but with everything that's happened today I'm a little jumpy and just wanted to make sure you were okay."

Harry found himself smiling at Molly, who actually reminded him a lot of his grandmother from when he was Charles as he stood up and gave her a hug. "Thank you for caring but I promise I'll be fine and we'll be down for lunch once we finish our talk."

"Oh! The talk!" Bill said, following the fine wizarding tradition of adding two and two together and coming up with cumquats.

"Didn't the Dursley's already give you the talk?" Molly asked.

"Yes, but Vernon's version was rather lacking," Harry replied dryly.

"Really?" Hermione asked curiously.

"I believe his exact words were; a freak like you shouldn't be reproducing and if I ever catch you fooling around with one of the neighborhood girls I'll take a pair of hedge clippers to it."

Sirius growled while everyone else just looked horrified.

"Until they were forced to let me go to school I thought my first name was Freak and my last name was Boy," Harry explained. "Have you all forgotten the Dursley's hate all magic users in general and me in particular?"

"I – I guess we'll let you get back to your talk then," Molly stammered as she released him from a back breaking hug.

"If Sirius is giving you the talk why is she here?" Hermione asked suspiciously.

"Visual aide," Tonks replied cheerfully, turning into a duplicate of Hermione and slowly increasing her breast size.

"Come along!" Molly said, shoving the completely nonplussed Hermione out.

"Lucky bastard," Bill muttered.

"Language!" Molly and Hermione chorused as the door shut.

Sirius was laughing too hard to cast anything so Tonks warded the room again.

"Okay, how much do you know that we don't?" Tonks asked.

"Tons," Harry said flatly, "I know things that are going to occur in the future in both the magical and muggle world. On the plus side I can probably make sure more of us live through the war, on the minus side I probably know every movie that's going to come out for the next thirty years."

"Powerful but strange seer?" Sirius asked.

"All seers are batty." Harry replied. "Now why aren't we arranging for accidents to befall Voldemort's forces rather than letting them build up power and resources?"

"We can't just go around killing people!" Tonks complained.

"I'm not talking about killing people," Harry replied, "I'm talking about killing Death Eaters. Why should I allow them to run around free?"

"Because otherwise you'd end up hunted by the Ministry, pup," Sirius replied.

"The Ministry already has it in for me," Harry said with a shrug. "The fact that two dementors came for me pretty much confirms that."

Sirius frowned but couldn't find anything to say.

"The Dark families have spent the last decade taking control of the Ministry since so many of the Light seats were emptied due to their actions and Dumbledore not only allowed them to walk free, he made Snape Hogwarts Potions Master. Snape has spent the last decade restricting who can be aurors to the darker families as much as possible." Harry explained.

"What? How do you figure?" Tonks demanded.

"You need a Newt in potions to become an auror; and Snape sabotages the training, work and grades of students at will." Harry replied bluntly. "All of it with Dumbledore's support and assistance."

"I … never looked at it that way," Tonks admitted.

"The Light families that work in the Ministry are vastly outnumbered by the Dark ones so there won't even be a battle; the Light families will go into hiding while the muggleborn are slaughtered by the Ministry. I sweep in for the big climax offing Voldemort and the Dark families surrender because I offered their leader. That leaves the maximum number of pureblood families alive so we can do it all over again the next time a Dark Lord rises."

"That's awful!" Tonks exclaimed.

"I'll destroy the magical world myself rather than let this shit go on," Harry said.

"I don't blame you," Sirius agreed.

"Tonks I need your help," Harry said suddenly.

"What can I do to help?" Tonks asked.

"I need you to come sit on my lap," Harry replied. "Sirius gesture like you're explaining something."

Tonks quickly sat on Harry's lap and he wrapped his arms around her and buried his face in her chest.

"Who's watching us?" Sirius asked, waving his arms around.

"I give up, who?" Harry replied from Tonks cleavage.

"We aren't being observed?" Tonks asked.

"I don't think so..."

"Then why am I waving my arms around like an idiot?" Sirius asked.

"I figured it was a good way to distract you for a while," Harry replied.

"And me sitting on your lap?" Tonks asked.

"So I can bury my face in your chest." Harry replied. "I've been attacked by dementors today and have had a horrible life; I don't know anyone who deserves to have their face buried in your chest more."

"He's got a point," Sirius agreed, quickly coming to his godson's defense.

"Harry!"

**AN: Typing by Godogma who was rather amused by what I'm putting his other self through!**


	3. Chapter 3

**The Snake Pit of Little Chucky's Mind 3**

"The Seer told you all the movies that were going to come out?" Sirius asked.

"Nah, my last incarnation was older and lived in America so I went through the eighties and nineties already. The whole reincarnation deal and the way it affects time is a lot more complicated than you think." Harry said, his face still buried in Tonks' cleavage.

"The whole 'time is a river' deal right?" Tonks asked.

Harry nodded, rubbing his face in her cleavage before falling over backwards with her atop him, after some squealing and scrabbling the two ended up with Harry lying flat and Tonks straddling him.

Tonks increased her already generous breast size as she attempted to smother Harry who had brought his hands to her waist and started tickling her.

Sirius chuckled and pulled a bottle of firewhiskey out of the top drawer of his dresser along with several shot glasses.

"Uncle! Uncle!" Tonks squealed, reducing her breasts back to normal size.

Harry stopped tickling her but didn't let her get up, not that she made more than a token attempt anyway.

The spells on the room were suddenly torn away as the door opened and Dumbledore stepped in.

Without missing a beat Sirius said, "And of course a reverse cowgirl requires her to be facing the other way."

Dumbledore froze, eyes wide as saucers apparently not having expected this.

The three could just glimpse Snape, his usual sneer replaced with a look of surprise.

"Can I help you Headmaster?" Sirius asked dryly.

"Hmmm... Well, I'll wait until you're not so busy." Dumbledore said before rushing off.

The three laughed before Sirius cast yet another series of spells to keep nosy buggers out.

"I don't know why you bother," Harry said. "Seems like everyone walks through it."

"Keeps out most people who aren't either Curse Breakers or Albus freakin' Dumbledore." Sirius defended himself.

"So, what's the plan?" Tonks asked.

"We gotta destroy a number of dark items housing bits of Riddle's soul and spread the fact that he isn't a pureblood." Harry replied.

"You make it sound so easy," Tonks drawled rolling her eyes.

"It mostly is," Harry said. "I've destroyed the diary; Kreacher will destroy the locket, Ravenclaw's Tiara is in the Room of Requirements at Hogwarts, Hufflepuff's Chalice is in Bellatrix's vault, the ring is in Gaunt's shack, Voldemort is going to make his snake familiar into one if he hasn't already and the final one is in my scar – piece of cake."

Sirius and Tonks stared at the scar in horror.

"Yeah, I'm going to either need the other two Deathly Hallows or a fat priest and a thin priest to get rid of this one."

"The other two?" Tonks exclaimed.

"Are you planning on dropping any more bombs like that on us?" Sirius asked, beyond shocked.

"Probably," Harry replied agreeably. "I know the shape of a future, and a couple of hundred if not thousands variations of the future I'm living now. Of course only a handful of the variations will be close enough for the particulars to matter and identifying them is a pain. Some of them are pretty far out there too. Like one where Draco turns out to be part Veela or Remus can be cured by completing all of the steps to becoming an animagus."

"Could that really work?" Sirius asked curiously as he filled three shot glasses.

"Poor guy," Tonks muttered.

Harry decided to nip that in the bud; he'd lose any shot he had at Tonks if he let things follow canon for Remus. "No idea, but it certainly won't do him any harm."

"How do I get him to go through them without getting his hopes up?" Sirius asked as Tonks climbed off Harry and they each accepted a shot glass of the magical whiskey with flames dancing on top.

"Just tell him you want to develop a safe animagus method and want his input to keep you from going nuts. Make it a Marauder's challenge since he never went through it himself." Harry suggested before throwing back the shot and quickly facing toward Sirius before belching flames in his direction.

Sirius tried to meet fire with fire having seen the glint in Harry's eye and belched flame to match Harry's. The resulting blast fried both their eyebrows and set the curtains on fire.

Tonks laughed and tossed hers back, deliberately aiming for the fireplace as Harry and Sirius forgot they were wizards and ripped the curtains down and started stomping on them.

Kreacher appeared with a pop and looked at the charred curtains and soot staining the two.

Harry and Sirius tried to look innocent but quailed under the house elf's glare. Kreature sighed and snapped his fingers; repairing and replacing the curtains before popping out.

"Oops," Harry offered before he and Sirius burst out laughing.

"Anyway, most of Remus' problems are self-inflicted," Harry said. "Anyone who owns a wand has no excuse for being poor; not if they can fit in with the muggles anyway."

"How do you mean?" Tonks asked, her time as an Auror making her suspicious of most wizard/muggle interaction.

"One word; reparo." Harry said with a grin.

"You can't do magic in front of muggles or enspell muggle items," Tonks said, shaking her head.

Harry nodded, "Casting it in front of muggles would be the height of stupidity, but as long as you cast a finite at the object when you're finished with it you can reparo it as much as you like and it's still legal, so all you have to do is go to estate sales and the like. Buy up the junk items that would be valuable if in mint condition and fix them. It costs little in the way of money or magic."

"That does sound workable," Sirius said thoughtfully.

"You could build up enough money to have your own antique store by giving the items to auctions to sell on consignment, and once you have your own store you'd be pretty much set. You could always do something similar with cars and bill yourself as a mechanic. The reparo spell alone ensures any wizard or witch who can walk in both worlds is set for life. So any stories I hear about muggleborn giving up magic because they can't make a living. Nah … that's all bull. First years can learn the reparo charm and that's just the tip of the iceberg."

Sirius poured them all another shot. "Things are a lot better and worse than I thought."

"Worse because our side is under the control of a complete bastard who thinks he's doing the right thing and better because with only a few people we can fix things." Harry said knowingly.

"Exactly," Sirius said with a sigh before sipping his whiskey. "Me and Remus could practically handle it on our own."

"You can't trust Remus, he's too much of a light wizard," Harry denied much to their shock. "What?"

"Most people complain about the dark creature bit," Sirius pointed out with some amusement.

"That's only a couple of nights a lunar cycle," Harry explained. "Most of the time he's a light wizard who owes too much to Albus 'let's use Harry as a sacrifice' Dumbledore and follows him without question."

"He's not that bad," Sirius said.

"Not once did he check up on me at the Dursley's," Harry pointed out. "Dumbledore said I was fine and that was good enough for him. Hell when he taught at Hogwarts he did his best to keep his distance from me and since the year ended he's made no attempt to contact me. He either knows I'm to be a sacrifice or just doesn't care about me. Neither option makes him a good choice to help me."

Sirius winced.

"And did he make any attempt to make your stay in Azkaban worse? No, and that's why we just can't trust him." Harry said.

"Back up a bit," Sirius requested. "We can't trust him because he didn't make my living hell in Azkaban worse?" He asked in disbelief.

"Exactly," Harry agreed, "if Wormtail was there right now, what would you be planning?"

Sirius got an evil looking grin on his face. "Anti-animagus words for one and then I'd look into creating a perfume that drives dementors into a mating frenzy."

"And did Remus do any of that to you when he thought you were as guilty as Wormtail?"

"No he didn't," Sirius admitted with a sigh.

"At the very least he should have visited and questioned you while bribing the guards to beat the truth out of you."

"Yeah!"

Tonks groaned, "You two are insane."

"Yeah," Harry said agreeably. "But we're not wrong!"

"You're not wrong," she agreed with a sigh.

"So, what's the first step?" Sirius asked.

"Tonks doing research on Tom Marvolo Riddle so we have references for everything." Harry replied.

"What? Why me?" Tonks asked.

"Because you can do it without anyone finding out who you are. We don't want to leave a trail anyone can uncover unless you feel like pointing it at someone we don't like." Harry explained.

"Makes sense," she agreed.

"And me?" Sirius asked eagerly.

"Remember Crouch who tossed you into Azkaban with no trial?"

"Yeah."

"He rescued his son from Azkaban by switching him with his dying wife who'd polyjuiced herself to look like him. If you die while under polyjuice you stay in that form so no one ever knew."

"You're shitting me!" Sirus exclaimed.

"Junior has been under the Imperious ever since, trapped at home and cared for by a house elf. The problem is Junior is almost free of the Imperious after fighting it for so long." Harry explained.

"So, what do I do?" Sirius asked.

"You dress up like Zorro, stun him and turn him over to the Aurors with an S carved in his ass."

"That's brilliant!" Sirius exclaimed.

"That's insane!" Tonks groaned.

"Exactly!" The two chorused.

"Besides Crouch is dead and Jr. got his soul sucked out by a dementor, remember?"

"Oh yeah," Harry said. "Forgot where I was in the timeline."

"So I don't get to carve an S in anyone's ass?" Sirius asked disappointed.

"We'll find someone, don't worry. If worse comes to worse we'll use Snape for cursive practice."

0oOo0

Harry yawned as he awoke and felt a slight tingle in his scar and an itching in his brain that probably signaled Tom was trying to influence him.

Deciding that clearing his mind was damn near impossible for the original Harry much less the combination he was now he rifled through his own thoughts for a solution.

He grinned evilly as he mentally flipped a switch and began running a song through his head while concentrating his magic into it.

His head began to ache and his scar felt like it was on fire but he pushed that aside and let the song repeat over and over again until he felt Voldemort's presence fade.

Slumping he collapsed backwards onto the bed with a sigh, "Thank god that's over."

"Harry?" A voice asked cautiously.

He tried to open his eyes and found the right one glued shut with dried blood. "Hermione?" He asked, surprised to see her and practically everyone else gathered around his bed. Sirius, Molly and the Weasely's from the Twins on down, Tonks, Fleur and Minerva.

"Are you, you?" She asked cautiously.

"Why wouldn't I be?" He asked confusedly.

"You had the evilest grin," Sirius replied.

"That's because Voldemort was trying to get in so I did one of the evilest things you can do to a telepath."

"Telepath?" Molly asked confusedly, her question echoed by a few others.

"Someone who can read minds," Hermione explained.

"A legilimancer," Tonks explained, causing the non-muggleborn to nod knowingly.

"What'd you do?" Hermione asked concerned.

"I ear-wigged him," Harry replied proudly. "Of course that upset him a bit before it drove him out."

"That explains the blood," Ron said, "looks like your scar split open."

"Ear-wigged?" One of the twins asked.

"Specific repetitive harmonic frequencies concentrated in the language center of the brain to become self-sustaining." Harry said pompously.

Everyone turned to Hermione.

The muggleborn witch groaned as she translated that in her head, "I'm not sure the magical world needs to know that. Small world, King Henry or Never Ends?" she asked cautiously.

"None of the above and I'm not gonna tell you because then you'd be compelled to look it up."

"Thanks," Hermione said gratefully.

"You did some evil muggle thing to drive off Voldemort?" Sirius asked doubtfully. "Despite muggles not knowing legilimency is real?"

"Yep."

"It'd work," Hermione said flatly. "Muggles may not have magic but there are tens of thousands of them for each witch or wizard and they've thought up loads of stuff the magic world has never dreamed of as well as quite a lot it has."

"Not to mention the fact they have tales of magic from before the magic world hid away," Harry said, climbing out of bed.

0oOo0

"GAH!" Voldemort yelled.

"Master?" Wormtail asked.

"It keeps repeating!" Voldemort growled.

**AN: Godogma is very evil. He's even ear wigged me at times, the bastard!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Snake Pit Chapter 4**

"Harry!" Fleur exclaimed her greeting as she entered the room.

Harry quickly wrapped his arm around the beautiful blonde girl and kissed her cheek. "It's so good to see you again."

"Gabby has been asking about you," Fleur said as he pulled her down to sit on the loveseat with him.

"And how is my favorite veela?" Harry asked eagerly.

"A little bundle of energy and terror," Fleur admitted.

"Just what she should be," Harry agreed.

"Easy for you to say," she snorted, "you don't have to put up with it."

"So bring her by," Harry said, "I'd love to see her again."

"Are you sure you're not just trying to get into my knickers?" Fleur teased.

"How would saying you are my second favorite veela and I wished to spend time with your sister get me into your knickers?" Harry asked amusedly.

"Well you start off," Fleur began, not noticing Harry get out a pen and notepad as she spun a tale of romance and deceit. Harry took frequent notes and asked a lot of questions as Fleur got swept up in her own story which ended up with Harry tied to a mast and Fleur as a sea captain for some reason.

"And that is that," Fleur finished.

Harry looked through his notes. "This plan has one fatal flaw."

"The ducks?" Fleur asked.

"No, it requires I disappoint Gabrielle and that I simply can't do."

Fleur laughed and kissed Harry on the cheek again. "Ever the gentleman, no?"

"I can play the rogue if the situation demands it," Harry replied, pulling her into his lap and wrapping his arms around her waist. "But it would take a real villain to disappoint Gabrielle simply for the sake of their libido."

"I may hold you to that," Fleur warned.

"As long as you're doing the holding I have no objections," he teased. "But seriously bring Gabby by and I'll see if they'll let me out long enough to take her to the zoo."

"Why the zoo?" Fleur asked as Harry stood up and set her on her feet.

"Who doesn't like the zoo?" Harry asked. "They have all sorts of exotic animals, sugary snacks and room to run and scream."

"That does sound tempting," Fleur admitted. "I will ask mama and see if she agrees."

"Tell her I'll beg if it'll help," Harry suggested.

"You'll have to clear out now," Bill Weasley reminded him, a bit annoyed that they'd seemed to forget he existed as they were talking. "We're going to have an Order meeting."

Harry laughed. "Well don't let me interfere with something as important as that."

"You don't seem impressed," Fleur said curiously.

"I'm not," Harry replied bluntly. "The Order is supposed to guard me while I'm at the Dursley's, but I still ended up having to fight a pair of dementors without magic a few days ago. Their main purpose seems to be simply watching me and keeping me isolated."

"Bill told me you were prone to exaggeration," Fleur said with a smirk.

Harry laughed. "Sure I am and I put my name in the Cup myself. What would you bet that I'm exaggerating even a little?"

Fleur looked deep in his eyes and frowned at the surety she saw there. "You two set this up in advance to trick me into losing a bet?"

"No, he prides himself on his dangerous job and the women he can pull. He probably feels the stories about me threaten his manhood, so he dismisses them as lies – which a lot frankly are, because I don't talk about what I do so people make things up to fill in the gaps."

"So he was?" Fleur asked.

"Being a cockblocker and trying to get into your knickers; the second is understandable, but the first is unforgivable."

Fleur laughed.

"Well I'll leave you to your 'important' meeting while me and Padfoot decide how I'll handle my next battle with Voldemort," Harry said with a grin, giving Fleur another hug before leaving.

"He's a very imaginative child," Bill said with a shrug, determined not to let his efforts charming the young veela go to waste.

Dumbledore swept in before she could respond. "Greetings everyone, if you could all take your seats we'll begin."

Snape settled into a chair in the corner with his back against the wall as Aurors Tonks and Shacklebolt arrived and took their seats.

Taking a quick head count Dumbledore nodded. "Since we're all here I'll begin; Harry is currently staying here, so all the Privet Drive watch standers may stand down for the summer, if they haven't already."

"What happened to Harry?" Molly spoke up, concerned about her adopted child.

"He's fine," Dumbledore quickly assured her. "In fact, Shacklebolt would you care to give your report on the incident?"

The bald black auror stood up and pulled out a muggle notebook. "At precisely 12:13PM we received a call from Mrs Figg who reported Harry Potter was under attack by dementors, arriving on the scene moments later we found Mr Potter standing over two dementors who were so cowed they couldn't even raise an aura and were happy to go with me. Mr Potter did not have his wand drawn and upon checking with the Department of Underage Magic that no spells were recorded coming from him."

"I thought he used a Patronus?" Tonks spoke up.

"No, he simply agreed that he had an impressive one and allowed us to believe he cast one. I think he's tired of people not believing him and has decided to stop explaining events and let people make up their own explanations."

"Do you expect us to believe that boy scared two dementors into behaving themselves without magic?" Snape sneered.

"I've reported the facts and now I believe I'll follow his example and let you make up your own story to fit them, as I don't feel like dealing with idiots any more than he does," Shacklebolt replied dryly, daring Snape to comment.

"I begin to see," Fleur said, standing up and preparing to leave.

"Is something wrong Ms. Delacour?" Dumbledore asked.

"Non, I doubt I can add anything to today's discussion so I thought I'd join Harry and help keep his spirits up."

"I'm sure he'd appreciate that," Dumbledore said, waving at Fleur to proceed.

Tonks quickly hopped to her feet to follow her.

"Nym – er – Tonks?" Dumbledore asked.

"I'm just making sure that's all she raises …" Tonks blushed. "Err just going to lend a hand."

Everyone watched Tonks rush off.

"Well if that's everyone," Dumbledore began when Shacklebolt stood up. "Shacklebolt?"

**0oOo0**

Fleur entered the library just in time to hear Harry saying, "I could take out all the marked Death Eaters in one fell swoop, but I'd have to torture Snape to death to do it."

"Bad Prongslet!" Sirius said, smacking him in the nose with a rolled up newspaper.

Harry winced and sent Sirius an apologetic look while plotting how to slowly ease him into plodding knee deep in blood.

"Your grammar is atrocious! It's Sirius gets to torture Snape to death not his godson has to," Sirius corrected him just as Tonks arrived.

"What did I miss?" Tonks asked, drawing their attention to the two at the door.

"I've got a way to get rid of all the marked Death Eaters, but it requires me personally to crucio Snape to death," Harry explained. "The key is the fact that the dark mark has the Protean Charm woven into it and the link I share to Voldemort allows me to key into the mark just as he can."

"Does it have to be Snape?" Shacklebolt asked, drawing everyone's attention to the door again.

Harry gave Sirius a look.

Sirius winced. "Fine, you were right, having the meeting here rather than in my room was a bad idea."

"Come in and ward the door closed behind you," Harry said, "and to answer your question, I can use anyone with a Dark Mark, but Snape... The debt between us increases the chances for everything to work as planned."

The three closed the doors to the library and cast a series of spells warding the room from outside observers.

Fleur and Tonks claimed chairs on either side of Harry.

"Let me start at the beginning," Harry said, "Voldemort is a very powerful dark wizard, but it's his followers that are the real problem. Without his followers he's a lot less dangerous. Malfoy pouring money into the Minister's pocket and poisoning him against us is our biggest problem at the moment. I can remove all his marked followers in one fell swoop, reducing the danger and reducing his influence on society but it requires me personally to torture Snape to death using the dark mark."

"Why haven't you told Dumbledore this?" Shacklebolt asked.

"Because Dumbledore plans on sacrificing the muggle born to save as many purebloods as possible," Harry said, flatly ignoring any protests as he explained.

**0oOo0**

"How is he?" Lucius asked as he prepared for his meeting with the Dark Lord.

Peter shuddered. "Don't mention dancing, prancing, or caramel those seem to be unforgivable at the moment."

"I'll keep that in mind," Lucius said.

Peter nodded and left, knowing all it would take was Voldemort peeking into Lucius' mind and encountering those words to set him off again. It felt good to prank people once more, even if he didn't have anyone to share it with. Flexing his silver hand he thought of everything that had happened and sighed. Sirius had screamed at him that he should have chosen death over betrayal the night Voldemort was killed and Peter agreed wholeheartedly. If he'd been given a chance he would have chosen death, but Voldemort was much too skilled to let him have that option.

He wondered how much of Peter was Voldemort's creation through torture, obliviation and carefully cast compulsion spells. Then he wondered if death was an option open to him now.

**0oOo0**

Shacklebolt accepted the refill on his fire whiskey and watched with Sirius as two rather possessive women argued over Harry, all but grinding themselves against him to mark him with their scent.

"Ladies," Harry said, interrupting their bickering, "I would say something to calm you two down, but I believe I'm obligated at this point to say something so sexist you both get pissed at me and bond with each other over how thick men can be at times."

Fleur merely raised an eyebrow while Tonks asked, "Really?"

"Oh yes," Harry assured them. "First I do the manly thing and avoid making any decision that would hurt two of the girls I care so much for; making myself look either like an indecisive weeny or a jerk trying to score with both of you by claiming you need to learn to share and then I follow it up with a comment that's so sexist you both slap me and go bond, finding you have a lot in common."

"We have a lot in common?" Tonks asked doubtfully.

"Are you telling me that metamorphs and veela don't share similar problems with men or how they're viewed in society by the ignorant population in general?"

The two girls studied each other curiously their anger forgotten.

"And you believe you can make a comment sexist enough to offend us?" Fleur asked.

"It'd involve you two fighting over me in a mud pit, I'm pretty sure it'd offend both of you."

The two women exchanged amused looks.

"Set up the pit!" Tonks challenged.

"Huh?"

"You aren't all talk and no action are you?" Fleur teased.

Sirius waved his wand, transforming the library into a club with a wrestling pit in the center of the room. At everyone's incredulous look he explained, "I enchanted the library to do that when I was a teen to piss mom off."

Refusing to back down the two girls transformed their clothes into bikini's and stepped into the pit.

**0oOo0**

The meeting had ended pretty early with little new information passed around so Bill quickly set out to find Fleur; not quite willing to quit the field just yet.

Harry had insisted on his own room, saying he shared a room with Ron for the rest of the year and they could both probably use a break from the other, but that one of the girls could bunk with him for a change of pace.

Ron laughed, Hermione blushed, and Molly quickly silenced Ginny before she could accept.

At any rate a quick check of his room showed he wasn't in and the girl's room next door was likewise empty. He found the girls in Ron's room with the twins.

"Anyone seen, Harry?" he asked.

"I believe he's in the library with Sirius," Hermione replied, "he said they had some personal things to discuss."

"Thanks," Bill said, quickly heading off to corner his quarry.

**0oOo0**

Harry stared in open mouthed shock as the two wrestled in what turned out to be chocolate pudding. Sensing no one at the wheel his libido quickly took over and stripping down to his tighty whities he quickly headed for the ring.

"What are you doing?" Sirius asked.

"I'd never ask anyone to do anything I wasn't willing to do myself," Harry said firmly. If he wasn't talking about wrestling scantily clad women in chocolate pudding it would have been … inspirational.

"Banzai!" Harry yelled diving into the ring.

Shacklebolt turned to Sirius. "I'm surprised he can fit his balls into the ring with him."

"I know," Sirius said proudly, "I never got away with a fraction of the stuff he does and I was considered smooth in my day."

They watched as the three way battle royale continued with Harry helping whoever was losing at the moment, to keep the match going as long as possible.

"I think this is the part where we depart," Shacklebolt said as a bikini top went flying.

"As long as the whiskey comes with us," Sirius said.

"Of course, we're not going crazy," Shack replied.

The library doors opened as they got to them and they quickly pushed the interlopers into the hall, shutting the doors behind them.

"You, Mr. Weasley need to learn not to break into rooms people have warded for privacy," Sirius said.

"That's my fault I'm afraid," Dumbledore said, "I wanted to speak to Mr. Potter and I was sure you'd be done giving him the talk by now."

"I did indeed finish," Sirius said cheerfully.

"He's taking his NEWT in it right now," Shacklebolt declared, warding the door and conjuring a chair to sit in, blocking anyone from entering.

"Wonder how many O's he'll get?" Ginny and Hermione chorused before blushing.

"At least two," Sirius chortled with a grin.

"I was hoping to ask him what he did to the dementors," Dumbledore continued.

"I can answer that one," Sirius replied, "he got angry and physically assaulted them. Magical attacks have little effect on them, but an angry wizard introducing a boot to their bollocks seems to be something they have no defense against."

"That actually happened?" Bill asked in shock.

"The stories told about Harry generally underestimate things," Sirius said with a proud grin.

"NEWT with Fleur?" Bill asked with a sigh.

"And Tonks," Shacklebolt added.

Bill winced. "And my ex. I don't suppose I could get a shot of firewhiskey?" he asked hopefully.

**AN: Typing by Godogma, the everliving!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Harry's room**

"Has he regained consciousness yet?" Hermione asked, standing by Harry's bed.

Sirius checked on Harry waving his wand and muttering an incantation. "He's mostly recovered, we can wake him at any time."

"I hope he's okay," she worried.

"Pomphrey said he was fine, he just exhausted himself when he spontaneously transformed into his animagus form," Sirius assured her.

"So what is his animagus form?" Hermione asked curiously.

"Private," Sirius said firmly. "It's up to him whether he tells you are not, though I will say all previous cases of spontaneous animagus transformation happened due to a combination of heightened emotions and being in their alternate form's natural habitat."

Hermione frowned. "He was in a pit filled with chocolate pudding, sandwiched between a Vela and a Metamorph. Heightened emotions are understandable, but natural habitat?"

"That's all the clues you'll get from me."

"The only other clue I have is Tonk's and Fleur's condition, but despite what Ron says I doubt he's a reverse dementor."

"They haven't woken up yet?" Sirius asked.

"No and those smiles are creepy, it's almost like their faces are frozen that way," Hermione said.

"Well, let's wake him up and see what he says," Sirius suggested.

"I thought you knew what his form was, with the hints and all."

"Nope, didn't recognize it at all," he admitted. "Impressive looking though."

"Enerverate," Sirius cast, tapping Harry with his wand.

Harry's eyes snapped open and he looked around the room. "That has got to be one of the worst ways to wake up," he said conversationally. "I mean from sound asleep to wide-awake in nothing flat, I've got metaphysical whiplash. I should sue someone."

"Do you remember what happened?" Sirius asked.

"I'd have to kill myself if I forgot," Harry said with a grin. "I was and we were and then –"

"Yes, spontaneous animagus transformation," Hermione agreed. "Now, what were you?"

"Spontaneous?" Harry asked.

"Only happens in intense situations when you're in your animagus forms natural habitat," Sirius explained.

"Natural…" Harry's voice trailed off. "Yeah, I suppose a magical library with pudding wrestling is one of those."

"What is it?!" Hermione exploded.

"No one knows?" Harry asked Sirius, ignoring Hermione's question.

"I reversed the transformation and I didn't recognize it," Sirius said.

"The girls?" Harry asked.

"Still asleep," Hermione replied.

"So how does the whole animagus thing work now?" Harry asked.

"You exhausted yourself imprinting and transforming for the first time –" Sirius began.

"Imprinting?" Hermione interrupted.

"Animagus forms or personal archetypes not societal ones," Sirius explained. "Meaning your animagus form says a lot about what you believe rather than what society does. James became a stag because he took pride in being of an ancient and noble house and because he was a bit full of himself. Most people become animagus' later in life because as teens we have a lot of stupid beliefs, not because of how difficult it is."

"So you became a dog and Wormtail a rat –" Hermione said.

"Because I prized loyalty before anything else and Wormtail thought rats were the ultimate survivors," Sirius explained. "If we'd waited until we were older and better educated, James would have been a lion and Wormtail a cockroach."

"So two people with completely different temperaments could become goat animagus' if they both believed a goat held their strongest traits," Hermione said.

"Exactly," he agreed. "Imprinting is usually done slowly over several weeks to avoid magically exhausting yourself as Harry did."

"So what do I do now?" Harry asked.

"Just put yourself in your animagus' form's mindset and the change should be easy," Sirius said. "Speed and skill are developed with practice as well as the ability to hold back the change."

"Hold back the change?" Harry asked nervously.

"Yes, one of the most difficult parts of being an animagus is learning not to change. James and Wormtail teased me for months by throwing tennis balls when I least expected it, because I'd change and run after them without a thought."

"So what are you?" Hermione asked Harry.

"My lips are sealed," Harry said solidly.

"So all I have to do is find the right trigger?" she asked turning to Sirius.

Sirius's lips twitched. "A pit of pudding in a magical library, sandwiched between Tonks and Fleur. Good luck with that."

Harry looked over at Hermione, narrowed his eyes and in his best Bill Bixby impersonation said, "Don't make me horny, you wouldn't like me when I'm horny!"

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Just you wait Mr. Potter, I'll figure out your trigger," she growled before stomping off.

"You just faked her out didn't you?" Sirius asked once she was out of hearing range.

"Yep, now shall try every other possible trigger before trying that one," Harry said with a sly grin.

Sirius laughed.

"Better start teaching me how to hold the change back," Harry said. "Because eventually she will get around to trying it and I really don't want to accidentally knock up my best friend."

"Sure, what are you anyway?" he asked curiously.

"Nothing you've probably heard of before," Harry said.

"I'm pretty sure Hogwarts doesn't teach a class on it," Sirius agreed. "Something like that probably isn't native to Britain."

"Shikma or tentacle sex demons are usually found in Japan, preferably in areas with a high concentration of schoolgirls in short skirts," Harry explained.

"I can see why they don't teach us about that in school," Sirius said with a chuckle. "That would've definitely changed all our animagus forms though it would probably make your patronus even scarier to the dementors, since it's based on your father's animagus form."

"Hmm," Harry said thoughtfully and on Azkaban island numerous black cloak horrors shivered.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

"And I call this meeting of 'Down with Dark Lords and Their Limited Fetishes' to order," Harry said banging his gavel on the table in the library.

"Where did you get a gavel?" Tonks asked.

"And where can I get one?" Sirius added.

"I asked Kreature for one and he got it for me," Harry replied. "He's a handy elf to have around."

"You're just saying that because he worships the ground you walk on," Sirius teased.

"Don't be jealous just because he likes me better. Now who's up for a spot of arson and some necromancy?"

"Dibs on the arson!" Fleur spoke of excitedly.

"What kind of necromancy?" Shacklebolt asked.

"The kind that requires one of the Deathly Hallows," Harry said with a grin.

"You know where one of the Hallows is?!" Tonks asked in shock.

"I know where all three are," Harry replied smugly.

"The Hallow that can call up the shades of the deceased is cursed," Fleur warned, knowing the story.

"Not really," Harry said shaking his head. "Just don't raise the shades of people you love and you'll be fine."

"Why else would anyone want it?" Sirius asked.

**0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0**

The Gaunt shack in Little Haggleton was just as Harry imagined it would be, majorly decrepit and creepy giving off a camp Crystal Lake vibe. The dead and dried up rattlesnake nailed to the front door of the shack probably had something to do with that.

" Shacklebolt, Tonks," Harry said, "you two are on warding duty. Fleur this place has some impressive protections so stand well back."

Tonks and Shacklebolt quickly set up Muggle repelling and notice me not wards, those being the two standard spells used at every crime scene to minimize Muggle interference. As soon as they were finished Fleur started throwing baseball sized fireballs at various points of the old shack, which slowly caught fire as the magics protecting it fought to preserve it.

"Kreature!" Sirius called out.

***Pop!***

"Yes, not nearly as good a master as the great Master Harry?" the little house elf asked.

Sirius growled before replying, "I believe I asked you to make some cocktails for us."

"Kreature be right back with cocktails," he promised.

"What kind of cocktails go with arson?" Tonks asked.

"Molotov," Sirius replied cheerfully as Kreature returned with a picnic basket.

**Later…**

"We should've brought marshmallows," Sirius decided as everyone watched the flames mesmerized.

"Or some hot dogs," Harry agreed.

*Pop!*

Kreature appeared with metal skewers and various things to roast.

"You are awesome," Harry told Kreature.

Kreature beamed, looking years younger, as he popped out.

The five enjoyed their freshly roasted snacks of choice as the Gaunt homestead burned, with the exception of the fireplace and the small throw rug in front of it, both of which were so heavily warded that the flames couldn't touch them.

"And this is the part where it gets tricky," Harry said.

**AN: Typed it myself! **


	6. Chapter 6

"Fiendfire?" Sirius suggested.

"Not yet," Harry replied.

"Yet?" Tonks asked, alarmed. "Fiendfire is labeled a dark spell for a reason."

"I know," Harry agreed. "There is a ring so vile and evil that it takes either basilisk venom or Fiendfire to destroy it. The ring is also layered in enough compulsion charms to make Dumbledore, a noted occlumancer, put it on. So we can't risk the time it takes to carry it to the veil."

"I thought we were here for a hollow," Fleur noted.

"We are," Harry assured her. "The stone on the ring is what we want, but the ring itself we must destroy without falling prey to it. Any ideas?"

"How bad is putting on the ring?" Shacklebolt asked. "I mean, what are we looking at here?"

"Best case is slow, painful death," Harry replied. "Worst is you instantly become Voldemort, and no I'm not kidding."

"That's a level of bad I didn't know existed," Tonks admitted as everyone stared at Harry in horror.

"How badly do we need the stone?" Shacklebolt asked.

"We can get rid of Voldemort without the stone," Harry admitted.

"Let's do that then," Tonks said, relieved.

"However, without the stone I have to die."

"We need the stone," Fleur and Tonks said instantly.

"Why do you need to die?" Sirius demanded.

"Voldemort left a sliver of his soul in my scar," Harry replied.

It took several minutes for the arguing to die down enough for anyone to be heard.

"You have to die?" Sirius demanded.

"Well... maybe," Harry replied.

"Maybe?"

"Dumbledore has a long, drawn-out plan that ends with me getting Voldemort to AK the scar," Harry explained.

"Harry, Harry, Harry," Sirius said, shaking his head sadly. "You do know anything that senile old goat botherer has his hands in is suspect, right?"

"Yeah, but my scar connects my mind to Voldemort's, so I figured he was right about that."

"So we get a fat priest and a thin priest," Sirius said with a snort. "We sure as hell don't play tennis with AKs using your forehead as the racket."

Harry chuckled. "Fine, but I need the stone for several reasons, one of which is insurance. Now, any ideas?"

"One, but it's borderline evil," he admitted with a grin.

A wave of small, chubby figures ran towards the untouched portion of house that Voldemort had heavily warded, only to explode, turning into shards of stone as they crossed the ward line and the transfiguration failed.

"Wave two!" Tonks called out and everyone quickly animated and sent scores more Lawn Gnomes to their deaths.

"Where did you get all the Lawn Gnomes?" Harry asked.

"Went door-to-door claiming I was buying them for a charity auction," Sirius said cheerfully. "Got lucky on the third house, the owner had a huge collection he was willing to part with. Least, I think he was, he was a bit drunk and had an accent thicker than McGonagall when she's pissed."

Harry paused and scratched his head. "Were you wearing your robe?"

"Of course, can't run around naked," Sirius said cheerfully.

"Did he have a white mohawk?" Harry asked.

"How'd you know?" Sirius asked.

"Should we go and oblivate him?" Tonks asked.

Harry shook his head. "Probably wouldn't take and he's crazy enough as is. Besides I'm not a fan of the old gods." Harry quickly changed the subject, "So who came up with this fun idea?"

"Garden Gnomes would have been funner," Sirius complained.

"So would sending most of the Slytherin first years from when I was in school," Shacklebolt said dryly, much to everyone's surprise. "What? The little bastards openly complained about being too young to take the dark mark before Harry offed Voldemort."

"No committing mass murder!" Tonks yelled, smacking Shacklebolt and Sirius in the shoulders. "If I'm not allowed to poison my entire squad with the exception of Shaq, then you don't get to either."

"Why do you wish to poison them?" Fleur asked.

"Oh yeah, you didn't go to Hogwarts," Tonks said. "To become an auror, you have to have at least an acceptable in advanced potions. Snape has done his best to hound all the non-Slytherins out of his class, meaning that the majority of aurors over the last decade were Slytherins and as their head of house he insures they are properly indoctrinated into the pureblood philosophy. Why do you think the Order only has two aurors in it?"

Fleur groaned. "So almost the entire auror force is in Voldemort's pocket?"

"Yep," Harry agreed. "Thanks to Dumbledore and Snape."

"Fortunately, if we kill off Voldemort, we can avoid open warfare between light and dark for another generation," Sirius said with a sigh.

"Hence why I plan on moving once this is over," Harry told them. "England is just a powder keg waiting for a match, and if it's not Voldemort it'll be someone else. A decade ago, Dumbledore had a chance to root out the corruption, but instead he let it grow and fester until rot is practically all that's left. I'll take care of Voldemort, but after that I'm retired."

"France is quite nice," Fleur said.

"And just across the channel," Tonks said thoughtfully as it was close enough for her to commute.

"Which is way too close for me," Harry replied. "I was thinking hidden city under the polar ice cap or in an unexplored jungle somewhere."

Everyone stared at him.

"What?"

"You plan on building a secret wizarding world to hide from the wizarding world because you didn't like its politics?" Shacklebolt asked.

"Their politics lead to stagnation and death," Harry pointed out. "I'd rather live in a society that takes the best from both worlds, not the worst."

"Makes sense," Sirius agreed, "but do you know how hard it is to make permanent structures using magic?"

"It's the main reason magical conclaves are built in the middle of muggle cities," Tonks said. "Permanent transfiguration is expensive, as is porting in building supplies and labor on the scale needed to build any good sized building, much less an entire city."

"That just shows they lack imagination," Harry said. "If you turn stone into water and pour it into a mold, what happens when the transfiguration wears off?"

"It'd be like transfiguring a permanent item out of stone," Sirius said in wonder. "And it only takes as much magic as a temporary spell!"

"The warding to keep the muggles from seeing it using satellites isn't easy," Shacklebolt warned. "They can see heat and detect vibrations from halfway around the world even without them."

"Which makes building a hidden city in the middle of nowhere a bit of a problem," Harry admitted. "Of course, I could build one openly, like in Alaska, and use some subtle warding to nudge muggles to drive past it or to avoid areas I don't want them in, so I can still draw in the tourist dollar for commerce's sake. I'm pretty sure I can build a Disneyland that'll outshine the original while making it seem completely muggle."

"That's... actually kinda brilliant," Tonks admitted.

"How are you going to get enough people to fill it?" Fleur asked.

"I'm going to recruit the disenfranchised," Harry said with a grin. "Since I'm going to have it built by muggles to start with, it'll be squib friendly and a place where magicals who marry muggles can reside without worrying about their spouse."

"Magic users will probably be a minority," Shacklebolt said as he ran the numbers through his head.

"An open minority," Harry countered, "and squibs have magic, just less of it than us; so I've been thinking of ways to supplement and focus it better. I can probably turn them into expert mages in at least one type of magic so they don't feel left out and I'm willing to bet that between the new blood and less stress about their level of magic, the next generation will be filled with full blown magic users and more than a few that either develop special talents or reawaken them in their bloodline."

The entire group turned to stare at Harry, ignoring the pops from the latest wave of animated lawn gnomes being destroyed.

"What?" Harry asked.

"It's an accepted fact that squibs marrying muggles are even less likely to produce a witch or wizard," Shacklebolt explained.

"And a metric shit ton of work has been done on trying to strengthen squibs' magic," Tonks added. "It's never worked without a sacrifice."

Harry shook his head. "Sirius, am I less powerful than my father?"

"No, if anything you're more powerful," he replied, thinking of some of the things he'd seen Harry pull off.

"Is Voldemort a weak wizard?" Harry asked with a grin.

"No, he's up there next to Dumbledore," Sirius admitted.

"My mother was a muggleborn witch and Voldemort's mother was just above squib level with his father being a complete muggle. New blood, even muggle blood, keeps magic lines from stagnating and dying out. So, yeah we'll be the minority for the first generation, but that'll change quickly."

"And making squibs mages?" Fleur asked.

"They were trying for full magic user status," Harry replied. "I'm not that ambitious. A small boost and a focus into a specific type of magic should make them competent in at least one area of magic and remove a lot of bitterness."

Sirius had kept sending waves of lawn gnomes transfigured from rocks while they'd talked, missing the fact that the latest wave had gotten past the exhausted explosive ward.

Harry grabbed his head as his scar split open.

"I live!" a high pitched voice squeaked out.

Everyone turned and saw a lawn gnome with glowing red eyes and a shiny silver ring on its right hand.

**AN: Typing by Ordieth!**


	7. Chapter 7

"Get him off, get him off!" Sirius yelled as Gnome-mort clung to his leg and bit him.

Shackelbolt tried to kick him, but the little bugger was much too fast and he ended up kicking Sirius in the balls and then was leaping around screaming with Gnome-mort attached to his leg. Fleur threw a fireball that predictably nailed Shack in the crotch, causing Gnome-mort to jump ship, while Shack was running in circles screaming with his crotch on fire.

"Diffindo!" Harry cast, slicing off the Gnome's left arm, which was the hand the ring was on. He'd hoped that removing the horcrux container from the body would restore it to stone, but all it did was enrage the pintsized terror who shot at Harry like a rocket, smoothly evading any spells cast at it. Thinking quickly, Harry cast, "Protego uts-nay!" just before everything went black.

Harry woke to a pounding headache and a series of bite marks. "That little bastard, better not have rabies," Harry muttered.

"Did you have to stomp the fire out?" Shack demanded.

Sirius shrugged. "I wasn't thinking clearly, because someone kicked me in the balls!"

"Where's the gnome?" Harry demanded.

"It apparated out as soon as it had your wand," Tonks told him while Fleur helped him up.

"Then why do I feel hungover?" Harry asked.

"You took several stunners to the head, sorry," Tonks apologized.

"At least your balls are OK," Sirius offered casting numbing charms on his own crotch.

"And we have the ring," Shacklebolt said, holding up the gnome's arm.

"I need the small black stone off the ring," Harry said with a sigh. "Now we have two Voldemort's running around."

"And one's a one-armed gnome armed with your wand," Sirius said.

"By the way," Tonks said, "Protego uts-nay?"

"Targeted Protego spell," Harry said with a shrug. "I couldn't remember the Latin word for balls. It's the only bit of me that doesn't hurt right now."

"Too bad, I would have kissed them better," Fleur teased, trying to cheer him up.

Thinking quickly Sirius turned and kicked Harry in the nuts as hard as he could.

"The best thing for him is bed rest," Madame Pomfrey said with a sigh. "I can't believe how accident prone he is. His testicles are in very poor condition and it'll be months before he can even think of sex without pain."

Tonks shook her head. "It's been a weird day."

"I can't help but feel partly responsible," Fleur said.

"Just make sure he stays in bed until the Skele-gro has done its job," Pomfrey said.

"We will, and thanks again," Tonks said, seeing her out.

"So, what'd she say?" Harry asked, as he joined them.

"She said to keep him in the bed until he's regrown all the bones in his foot and that even thinking of sex is going to be painful until his balls heal," Tonks explained.

"Ouch," Harry said with a wince.

"I still feel guilty," Fleur said.

"It's not your fault," Harry assured her. "You haven't been around him long enough to predict that he'd do this. Now come with me and try and look sad while I explain to him that the damage was too great and they're going to have to cut them off, but we found a vet who'll do the job for a fraction of the price a reputable doctor would."

The two girls just stared at him in shock.

"What?" Harry asked.

"Isn't that a bit cruel?" Tonks asked.

"He tried to kick me in the balls," Harry reminded her. "As a man and his godson I am required to prank him back for that, if for no other reason than to discourage that sort of behavior. Besides, once the prank is over the fact that he is only out a commission for a month will be a relief."

"That makes a great deal of sense," Fleur said.

"Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind," Shack said, reminding them he was there. "Can I tell him?" he asked eagerly.

"Yes, but then you have to stun him and transfigure a large plastic cone around his neck while he's out, so he really does think we took him to the vet."

"Deal!"

Fleur and Tonks exchanged glances and shrugged.

"At least it's good for a laugh," Tonks offered.

Peter stared at the one-armed gnome holding Harry's wand and tried to figure out exactly why he was looking at a one eighth scale Voldemort who looked more than a little feral. Deciding it was above his pay grade he stepped aside. "Come right on in, Master. You may want to do something about the arm when you get a chance."

The gnome silently cast a familiar looking spell and strands of silver grew from his shoulder slowly forming a complete arm, which he stretched and flexed showing it to be fully functional.

"Right this way Master," Peter said, leading the tiny Dark Lord to his larger counterpart. He may not know what was going on, but this looked to be entertaining.

Voldemort was deep in discussion with Fenrir and Malfoy, who twitched from his earlier cruciatus exposure, when the door to his throne room opened. He was about to curse the arrogant fool who dared enter without permission when he felt the connection to one of his Horcruxes flare as it entered his presence and Wormtail stepped aside revealing a tiny Voldemort with a silver arm and Harry Potter's wand, if he was not mistaken. Voldemort frowned. This would not do at all, he couldn't have a tiny version of himself running around, he'd have to find out what had happened and turn it back into a Horcrux. From the look of things, he'd have to guess a gnome stumbled across one of his horcruxes, probably while tunneling, and went after Potter. He appeared to have lost an arm, probably when he fought Potter for his wand.

"Who's the runt?" Fenrir asked as he looked disdainfully at the tiny Voldemort.

Voldemort was about to teach Fenrir his place for daring to disdain even a horcrux of himself when the tiny Dark Lord attacked. Despite his size and lycanthropy, Fenrir found himself on the wrong side of an asskicking as he was savaged by the vicious little creature who forgoed magic to physically tear into him like a Wolverine with silver claws.

As the two rolled across the room with Fenrir clearly getting the worst of it Voldemort smiled and reconsidered what he'd been planning. "I think I'll call him Mini-He-Who-Should-Not-Be-Named," he decided.

"Get him off! Get him off!" Fenrir shouted.

An old man with a white Mohawk, wearing a Hawaiian shirt and khaki shorts, with a stuffed parrot on his shoulder and a shotgun in his hand banged on the door.

As Wormtail wasn't about, one of the new recruits opened the door and stared speechless at the strangely dressed muggle in front of him.

Seeing the black robed figure, Mr. Henderson knew exactly what to say. "Muckle darn cult! Where are you namblys keeping my wee men?"

**Typing by: Bankrupt Samurai**


End file.
